Almost Confessions!

You know, I am writing this just because I read, not really read but brushed through, someone else's blog. Someone I don't like so much, someone whose indirect existence in life bothers me at times! One would think why would you read someone whom you don't like, but I do that more than often, I read their status messages, go through their pictures, blogs, notes, anything I can and I feel like.... Yes, I do that, and I do that in order to feel better, to look for things that would tell me that after all they are not such bad people. I do that, to sort it with myself that they have done nothing to hurt me, to not to let them bother me, to argue with myself that I am wrong in disliking them, to teach myself that this hatred is misplaced. But more often than once, I end up with the same emotions I started with, on some other times I end up seeing my morale sink lower. On a rare occassion like this one, I let it out in the open, for everyone to know and judge.
Life is nowhere near perfection and I take complete responsibility (guilt) for it.
I can't trust. May be it's too late for it or too early!
I can't decide. Why can't we just let life be as it is?
I can't soothe. I am scared of even trying, it would hurt me if I my words can't make you feel good.
I can't be nice. No, I am no great soul, if you act like a monkey, I would just be human enough to you.
I can't work hard. I could not have possibly been born to work!
I can't take shit. Oh! I am only kidding myself here, I take shit and I take shit all the time, only with utmost pain and humiliation in my soul.
I can't excel. I always wanted to be a writer or a model, unfortunately I am convinced I don't have it in me.
I can't step out. Life is trapped inside the box.
I can't speak up. I can't be tactful, and people don't seem to like to hear the truth as it is.
I can't take things lightly. Life matters to me so much.
I can't be a gypsy. I want a home to call our own.
I can't be too caring. I love myself as well.
I can't not be bothered. You matter to me so much!
I can't be selfish without guilt. I love you too.
I can't stop complaining. Things just should be the way I want.
I can't run away. I have nowhere to go to.
I can't fly. No, wait a minute. I can fly!
I am tired of living life as it should be, the monotone is magnanimous yet I can't help but be so hard on myself. We are only living a life passed on to us by generations before. We have been told to eat right, speak well, be nice, earn a living and be comfortable. What was the last time we did something on our own?