RANDOM? MAY BE NOT QUITE!....

This blog comes from a very unusual place and an unusual time. We are flying somewhere over Russia and my KC tells me its 0637 hrs. in India. Please don't bother me by asking what time is it here. I am not even sure where is this here. Very somber and sleepy ambiance surrounds me. Some tired of a long day and some getting more tired thinking of all those trapped hours that lay ahead of them. It's ten more hours to New York. Too many people have been writing random blogs so I kept on suppressing my urge to write one. I hate doing things already done over and again but then what the hell life is all about breaking the pattern I guess. I can not decide if too much is happening in my life or it is going to happen. I see the second digit of my age ticking fairly quickly, it surprises me though that i never noticed it until I turned 20, then onwards the journey of 0 to 6 after the 2 has been extremely overwhelming. I guess from then on itself i became fully aware of life. I marvel at life and contrast it has brought in me. I hated corriander and I thought staying at home was a complete waste of time, whereas now while corriander soothes me, I think staying at home means making sense of life. I am turning into my parents! Six years put in the same organization, I have seen three changes of MDs, pockets of 'babus' being filled at everyone's pain, some amazing ways of corruption which range from sabotage to crockery scam, and from castles on paper to the messiest merger (in the forever corporate history) of AI and IA.

ON ANOTHER DAY.....

I should be comfortable with the reality of my round legs,an average face and a slightly meaty abdomen (am i just being modest?), I thought to myself just while getting down the stairs to walk on the gravel path leading to riverside. It's a fairly warm day and cloudy now in the early evening. It seems inevitable for Frankfurters to notice me as a colored person. I wonder what exactly are they thinking. Do they first get the impression of someone with their dream tan? But then my face would definitely give away my identity or should i say a non identity of (not) being a German. Or it's my audacity to step out with no make-up at all that surprises them or it just still has not settled down on them to look at the variety of human race among them. Or it is just mortal curiosity perhaps, like the one I have. I just love looking at people. At times, I wish I were idle and invisible to watch their expressions, ways, body language, eyes, to watch them in their element . It was a relatively quiet day without much merrymaking, cheers or noise. People just sat quietly, lied down n tanned, drank beer and bit into their decked sandwiches. It amazes me to see how lonely people are (or so it seems to me) here. I can not imagine many of us, Indians sitting alone by riverside and reading or eating or drinking. I happen to do it often but then most of the time I am longing for P. and wondering whether I will ever be able to share this magnificent simplicity of life with him. I guess this is what the difference is, for some of us it is out of compulsion while for some or most of them it is a way of life. Good that they have such beauty around them everyday, I don't think one can survive in India with such loneliness in life. But then why would one be lonely in India, we have over a hundred crore people to be with.
The shirtless father relaxing on the grass bed was tomato red, I so wanted to kiss the round head of his flannel baby and coo idiotic English phrases in my global accent which I am sure he would not understand. I notice a female gay couple on the edges, do not ask me how could I judge, I just know. There is a play at 08.30 pm today in the small circusque tent set up on the banks. I so wish I could go. But then it would be in German and I would not understand a thing. The ticket might be expensive and I have a sick loan to pay. I can't stay up late, I have a long day tomorrow stretching into the late night. How come there are more reasons in life to not to live it up then to actually be able to live it up?! I want to visit the Stadel museum which I have passed by dozens of time in last five years (the Botticelli autumn-winter 2009-2010 should be interesting), and cycle myself to work. I want to visit the Met and go for my daily walks to Central Park. I want to live in a creaky wooden house where no dust enters for days and everything has and stays at a designated place. I want to see the Northern Lights and talk to whores about their lives (not at the same time!). I want to live in a place where I don't understand the language or can not figure out their customs. I want to be able to make my parents understand what I want in life and not be hurt about it. I want to see exotic ritual or just a new place and cry. I want to learn new things easily and without being humiliated. I want to read extensively and write, publish a book. I want to be a famous photographer. I want to be part of a reality show. I want to eat healthier and be able to run longer then three minutes. I, once, definitely want to see milky way and earth from space, no, I don't want to visit the moon or mars. Errr, or may I do. I want to live in a country cottage overlooking a castle and a river. I want to visit the observation deck on top of the Empire State building. I want to see a volcano erupt and survive. I wan to be an international model and walk the ramp for Chanel (is it too late to be a lingerie model for Victoria's Secret?). I want Harrods to be open only for me when I want to shop. I want to do reporting for CNN or NDTV. I want to meet Shashi Tharoor and be part of his team to build a better India. I want to bag pack through Vietnam, Mongolia, Leh-Ladakh and Tibet. I want to shop for jewellery at Harry Winston, Minavala, Tiffany's, Jaipur Gems and also own Hermes. I want to not know some of the truth I know and undo some of the things from the past, mine as well as others'. I want to run an NGO and also be rich. I want to be leaner and meaner. I want a non-risque pregnancy after 35. I want TBS, all the BBC and sky channels in India. I want to, cry and hurt less. I want to live close to my friends. I want to not waste too much time on internet. I want to eat at every restaurant possible in the world. I want to spend a day at the Black Friars and two at Statford-upon-Avon. I want to tell Vir Sanghvi that he intimidates me and that that people who may not know their wines properly are not of any lower personage. I want an expensive designer theme wedding. I want to be a driver for Rocky and Mayur. I want to be with You. I want to be.
OMG!
While doing my crunches earlier I took an unavoidable break after 20 and accidentally looked at the darkness under the bed to my left, and jumped to my feet instantaneously remembering a Korean horror flick (tale of two sisters or something), glimpses of which I was made to watch involuntarily. It will take me a long time before I will be absolutely comfortable lying down on the floor next to the bed, being aware of the darkness under the bed.